Английский

01-02
      At a restaurant,
      'Waiter, can I have coffee?'
      'How do I come to know if you can or you cannot. I am not a doctor, you know!'
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01-03
      Two men meet. One says,
      'When my wife was pregnant, I used to tell her funny stories. And she said that if I made her laugh too much she would give birth to a hedgehog.'
      The latter,
      'Ha-ha... And how is it going?'
      'Actually, everything is all right, thanks. By the way, do you know what they feed hedgehogs?'
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01-04
      The doctor asks his patient, a salesman, who complains of insomnia,
      'Didn't you try an old remedy: lying in bed with closed eyes to imagine mentally a flock of sheep and count them?'
      'Yes, I did. But it turned out still worse.'
      'Why?'
      'After having counted I load the sheep on a train, take them to town for a slaughter-house and sell them. And then I torment myself all night wondering if I have made a bad bargain.'
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01-05
      At three o'clock in the morning the daughter is ringing up her mother's place,
      'Mom, it's already so late, but my husband is not at home. Perhaps, he acquired a mistress?'
      'My sweet daughter, why on earth to imagine the worst thing first? Perhaps, he is in morgue or in reanimation.'
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01-06
      The doctor to a patient,
      'You should immediately lose weight, keep to the most rigorous diet: only lean meat, renounce sweets, bread, rolls and buns, no alcohol, cigarettes, coffee -- Oh, and the most important thing, rejoice more at life, my dear!'
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01-07
      The doctor is examining a patient,
      'You have great irregularities in your heart. Do you drink?'
      'Yes, I do, doctor. But the irregularities are not because of that. I drink regularly.'
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01-08
      'What is the difference between a beginning and an experienced doctor?'
      'The first thinks that he cures the disease you have, and the latter thinks that you have the disease he cures.'
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01-09
      A driver stops at a wayside petrol pump in order to fill up, and the attendant says to him, 'You're the last client we are serving at the old price. From now on everyone will pay a new price.'
      The driver is pleased, and asks to fill him the tank full up. On having paid, he asks, 'How much has the price gone up?'
      'It hasn't gone up at all, but has gone down by ten per cent.'
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01-10
      A traffic inspector wakes up his son, also a traffic inspector, 'Sonny, get up, it's time to go to work.'
      'And what time is it?'
      'Half-past six.'
      'But it's still early.'
      'Quite the contrary! They have been driving free of charge already for half an hour.'
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01-11
      Two friends meet,
      'I met a girl who promises to surround me with love, care and caresses. What do you think of that?'
      'I wonder how you will break out of encirclement-'
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01-12
      Two shooters meet,
      'Well, any luck?'
      'Have shot a number of hedgehogs.'
      '???'
      'To make a collar for my wife and inner soles for my mother-in-law.'
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01-13
      Two country dogs found themselves in the town for the first time. They are walking, scrutinizing all around. Then they stop by a parking meter on the top of a post. One dog says to the other,
      'Just look, what those townspeople came to! It's not enough that they removed all the trees, in addition to that they want to charge us money for w.c.!-'
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01-14
      'Doctor, can I be able to drink vodka?'
      'No, you won't.'
      'And spirit?'
      'By no means.'
      'And your tablets?'
      'Why on earth do you have a longing for all sorts of stuff?'
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01-15
      The doctor to a patient,
      'I have a bad news for you - '
      'Am I going to die?'
      'No, you are not. We are going to treat you.'
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01-16
      'Doctor! The right leg of my husband is shorter than his left leg. What in the world does he have to do?'
      'Walk with a limp -'
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01-17
      'Doctor, I can't sleep and am quite exhausted with insomnia. What do I have to do?'
      'Did you try to count sheep?'
      'Yes, I did, but it doesn't do any good.'
      'Then have each sheep tell you its biography.'
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01-18
      'Yesterday a fortune-teller told me for two hundred rubles that my husband was unfaithful to me.'
      'For two hundred rubles?!' asks the friend. 'I would have let you know it free of charge-'
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01-19
      A Jew is sitting in a living-room, naked and in a top hat.
      'Why are you naked? Suppose somebody comes in.'
      'I am in my own home.'
      'And why are you in a top hat?'
      'Suppose somebody comes in.'
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01-20
      If your son-in-law is the talk of the whole world, it means that he is a movie star. If your son-in-law is the talk of the whole country, it means that he is the President. If your son-in-law is he talk of all the town, it means that he is a soloist of the local ensemble. If your son-in-law is the talk of all the street, it means that he is a thief or a drunk.
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01-21
      The wife, having yawned, observes to her husband,
      'How monotonous life in our family is! How bored I am with all, while I'd like something unusual- what I have never done in my life.'
      'Is that so?' replied the husband. 'Then darn my socks -'
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01-22
      The wife comes to the militia station and declares that her husband has not been at home for five days.
      'Does your husband have any special distinctive marks?' asks the officer on duty.
      'No, but just have him return home, and he will get them there and then.'
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01-23
      The wife to her husband,
      'I couldn't get a wink of sleep last night.'
      'But you were snoring all over the room.'
      'Well, I thought perhaps if I snored for a while, then I would fall asleep.'
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01-24
      The wife asks her husband,
      'Where are you carrying that enormous package to?'
      'This is a present for you, darling.'
      'Oh, so tiny- '
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01-25
      A woman wants a lot from one man, and a man wants one thing from many women.
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01-26
      'There was a competition in our company today: who is able to drink the most!' says the husband to his wife.
      'And whoever was the runner-up, I wonder?'
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01-27
      A telephone call,
      'Hello, can I speak to Piotr Ivanovich?'
      'No, you can't. The wreaths are being carried out now-'
      'What wreaths on earth are you talking about? Has he died?'
      'Yes, he has.'
      'And what has he died from?'
      'I don't know, but on the wreaths it is written: "From the wife", "From the mother-in-law", "From the collective body".
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01-28
      The son-in-law complains to his mother-in-law,
      'It passes all bounds. Perhaps, you would exert influence upon your daughter.'
      'What's the matter?'
      'I come back from fishing for the third time and find her lover under the bed.'
      'So don't go fishing any more,' suggests the mother-in-law.
      'What next! I'd better saw the legs of the bed off.'
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01-29
      A son-in-law seeing his mother-in-law make up in front of a looking-glass remarks venomously,
      'It is strange why the women seek to subjugate always with their appearances and hardly ever with their intellect-'
      'It's quite simple,' replies the mother-in-law without stopping making up. 'The men are often stupid, but very seldom they are blind.'
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01-30
      An operation is being held in an out-of-the way place of Russia.
      Surgeon: Nurse, anaesthetic.
      Nurse: Which one?
      Surgeon: Ours, the local one.
      Nurse: Lullaby, lullaby, lullaby.
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01-31
      One leech calls another and says,
      'Sorry to tear you away - '
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01-32
      In a restaurant-car,
      'Waiter, I've been waiting for the beer 200 kilometers already.'
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01-33
      The dentist, a woman, to the patient, while adjusting the drill,
      'Remember, Fedya, at school you sat behind me and stuck me endlessly with a pin?'
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01-34
      'What do you think, what is better to pack the suit-case for a journey with?'
      'Well, of course, with cash.'
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01-35
      The son-in-law was sent to shop for a chicken. When he brought it about two hours later, the mother-in-law said,
      'It is something like a nightmare! Your chicken reeks of vodka.'
      'And now?' the son-in-law asked and moved several steps away.
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01-36
      A married couple is walking along the street. Opposite them there is a pharmacy with a signboard: a cup and a snake.
      Wife: Vanya, tell me what this emblem means?
      Husband: ell, it's your mother drinking tea.
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01-37
      An examination is going on. A student is coming to answer with a sheet of paper on which there is written just a couple of short sentences.
      Professor: And where is your answer, I wonder?
      Student: In my mind.
      Professor: And what's that?
      He motions to the sheet of paper.
      Student: Well, there was no room left for it.
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01-38
      Ivanov is visited by the district militiaman.
      'Your neighbors complained that you had shouted at your wife last night.'
      'She didn't want to tell me on what she had spent her salary.'
      'And why did you shout at her this morning?'
      'She told me on what she had spent my salary."
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01-39
      A professor known for his absent-mindedness sits down in the barber's armchair.
      'I'd like to have my hair cut, please.'
      'Willingly, professor, but at first I would like to ask you to take your hat off.'
      'Oh, I'm so sorry, I even took no notice that there are ladies here!'
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01-40
      The husband and his wife are making all ready for the holiday.
      'We'll send the children to my mother's place,' says the wife.
      'We'll give the dog and the parrot to aunt Fenya.'
      'The cat will be taken by the yardkeeper.'
      The husband looks thoughtfully out of the window,
      'If it is so still in the apartment, why upon the whole should we go somewhere?'
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01-41
      'How is your brother? Is he still at hospital?'
      'No, he is already out, although he has some complications.'
      'What? Again a relapse of his illness?'
      'Well, no. But now perhaps he has to marry the hospital nurse.'
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01-42
      At a football match a spectator asks a boy,
      'Where in the world have you got the money for such an expensive ticket?'
      'It's my father who has bought it.'
      'And where is he himself?'
      'He's at home. Looking for the ticket--'
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01-43
      A man wakes in the sobering-up station. 'Well, he thinks, I have drunk till delirium tremens, I'm dreaming. As a matter of fact, yesterday, I remember it quite well, I bought a bottle of vodka, came home alone, locked myself up, went to bed and drained it dry just there. But why I have found myself in the sobering-up station, it is not clear'. He approaches the sergeant,
      'Sergeant, I remember that yesterday I came home with a bottle. I locked myself up on my own, took my clothes off, lay down and drained the bottle in bed. Why am I here?'
      'Because you ran to get another bottle wearing nothing but briefs.'
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01-44
      Two blondes went on a walking tour. Night fell, time to halt. They were walking along a highway. One says,
      'Let's set up the tent at the side of the road.'
      'No, we'll set up the tent in the middle of the highway. It's damp at the roadside.'
      They pitched the tent in the middle. In the morning they wake up and see a turned over truck lying in the ditch next to the road. One says,
      'Now you see, if we had set up the tent at the side of the road, it would have knocked us down!'
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01-45
      The mother-in-law began to take lessons in car-driving. Her son-in-law asks her, 'How would you act if you discovered all of a sudden, after having driven about a kilometer, that you had left behind the key of the car at home?'
      The mother-in-law smirked and replied, 'I would depress the brake and get off the car to have a look at the idiot that was pushing it on.'
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01-46
      The doctor came across his patient's wife in the street.
      'Tell me,' he addresses her, 'how does your husband feel? Has he already got rid of his absent-mindedness?'
      'How shall I put it, doctor? Apparently not quite yet. In the morning, when he enters the kitchen, first of all he strikes me with a spoon on my head, and then kisses the lightly-boiled egg.'
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01-47
      A lady with four children enters the compartment of railway-carriage. They are making a lot of noise, are pushing one another, are not sitting still a minute. One of the passengers angrily says,
      'If you have so many children, when going on a trip you should leave at least a half of them at home.'
      'So I did,' replies the lady with a sigh.
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01-48
      An announcement at the entrance of psycho-neurologist's consulting room:
      "Patients waiting for calling are requested not to share symptoms of their disease with one another as that impedes making a diagnosis".
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01-49
      'What is a diplomat?'
      'A man who is able to convince his wife that a fur coat makes her look fat.'
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01-50
      The woman never knows what she wants, but she will never know rest until she obtains it.
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